Friday, January 21, 2011

My 30th Birthday- Remember the good times.

I so wanted to have a good day.  Heck, I so wanted to have a good (start) of a new year.  From the very beginning of every New Year, it brings back haunting memories of 2007 when my family had decided to go to downtown Greenville and spend the night to watch fireworks.  The morning we awoke, Michael took off to work in Simpsonville and me and 3 month old Canaan waited on him to get back, so that we could go visit my sick dad (who was dying from Cancer) in Townville.  I was alone with Canaan when I got the news.  My sister called to tell me my grandparents, along with my grandmother's sister had been killed in an accident.  In disbelief, I didn't know what to do.  I called Michael to tell him he must hurry up.  I have to get to my family as quick as I can.  I thought I had more time.  Michael finally got back, we left from Greenville and headed toward Townville.  Quick wasn't quick enough.  Almost halfway there, I got another call.  My brother calling to say he was gone too.  My dad was gone, and I didn't get to tell him goodbye.  Sure, I knew it was coming.  Just stubbornness never let me say the things that I should have said.  The things that I needed to say.  The things that I probably should have said way before he was dying.  That I forgave him, and I did love him, no matter what kind of father/daughter relationship we have had throughout the years.  I had let it all go.  Hatred does nothing good for the heart.  It eats you up from the inside out.  He was still my dad.  And I do remember the good times.  Well, now I am just off on a tangent.
               Anyway, new year 2011 has come.  Sweet Canaan is 3 years old,  Beautiful Hendrix is 3 months old.  It is not even the month of February yet and already I have said goodbye to my beloved cat of nearly 7 years, White Kitty and my dear great uncle.  Oh yeah, and my 30th birthday was yesterday, and that was literally the icing on the cake (no pun intended).
             Tried not to think about it much, but really... I really wanted to stay young, in my 20's for well, at least a little while longer.  Somethings has been depressing me deeply.  I have finally reached my first major goal of getting a Nursing degree and now I am ready for a job.  Job hunting is depressing.  And my neck and shoulder have been killing me so bad that it has been hard for about two weeks to even pick up Hendrix.  Double depressing.  Looking at bills, triple depressing.  You get my drift-  The day had started out good in theory, I had finally scheduled a much needed massage (courtesy of my sisinlaw from my Birthday last year).  After running some unexpected errands, I was running late as usual.  Everything that could have possibly went wrong did.  And my massage felt pretty good all except for the migraine headache that kicked in about the same time I was getting it.  Long story cut short, still long story, the rest of the day was for the birds.  Everybody knows that nothing is enjoyable when you are in pain, and espescially your 30th birthday.  Went out to eat at a Japanese restaurant (for Canaan's sake) and the Japanese crew sang "Happy Birthday" while pounding a drum all the while my head was pounding.  The fried tempura cheesecake freebie was good, and Canaan enjoyed helping Mommy blow out the candles while I gave an evil stare to Michael.  On the way home, with my babies in tow, two kids that have been screaming all day now in the backseat full, tired, and happy.   Feeling regretfully sorry for my old self, aches, pains, in debt and all and a pretty crappy birthday to say the least I was quickly reminded of how we tend to lose perspective of things and start to take for granted the small things... The little things that I want to remember.  The things that matter most.  The time spent with my family.  My healthy family. Selfish me for not being grateful for my family, when some people don't even have that.  I didn't feel like I had one for so long.  Now I have one, and of my very own!!  Canaan starts singing over and over, "Happy Birthday to Mommy! Happy Birthday to Mommy!  Happy Birthday to Mommy!" I say calm down Canaan- pleeeaaase don't wake the baby up.  A screaming baby in the car for a 30 minute ride home is no fun.  I can't take much more.  My migraine in full force.  Michael looks over to me and says, "Everything will be okay.  One day we will look back at this day and Canaan and Hendrix will be grown And you're going to miss it, and wish they were still little.". He is right.  I felt like I had stepped into a scene of "It's a Wonderful Life."  I caught a glimpse of the future, Michael and I reminiscing back on this day, wishing I could have this day back to hear my sweet little boy singing that song again.   One day, and probably very soon, I will miss my babies being this little.  Thank God that I was given the opportunity now to put life into perspective, before these special times pass me by.  And to stop living life so hard and busy that I forget to slow down and savor these sweet moments with my family, and to stop sweating the stuff that won't matter years from now.  Shame on me.  Here's to a new decade in life and a new year of savoring the little things, remembering the good times, and saying the things that need to be said.

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